Vanity to the Extreme
by Ivory Tower
Summary: It is a well accepted fact that Draco is vain, but this is just plain odd! Tis unhealthy to pay so much attention to certain areas of one's body!


Title: Vanity to the Extreme  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: Check with J.K. Rowling.   
  
Author's Note: Once upon a time, about two or more years ago, this fic was an MST I made up at 2 in the morning. Some of you may remember it. Anyway, I hope you enjoy its adaptation to an actual story with a very questionable plot. Bon appetite!  
  
Draco stepped out of the shower and proceeded to dry himself with a towel. He was forced to use a towel because he had just run out of sandpaper. Now, join us in a collective wince at that notion. Ouch! Anyway, whilst admiring his reflection at all angles, Draco Malfoy glimpsed his ass and rested his gray eyes upon the two glorious cheeks of white.  
  
Suddenly, Hermione Granger ran into the bathroom, sporting a moustache and a goatee drawn on her face with a Sharpie.  
  
"What light through yonder window breaks-no, it's just Malfoy's white ass!" semi-quoted Hermione and exited.  
  
Somewhere nearby, Ron's voice shouted, "Full moon tonight, eh, Malfoy?"  
  
Harry Potter lowered from the ceiling just like in "Mission Impossible" and spoke in a regal tone, "And silence filled the land as the naked Malfoy walked through the hills with his ass ablaze." Up Harry went, disappearing into a convenient parallel dimension.  
  
Draco had not noticed any of the oddness, so focused was he upon his porcelain-like ass. Tears filled Draco's eyes as he took in the splendor of his buttocks. Unable to contain himself, Draco gripped the smooth roundness that was his Malfoy ass.  
  
"Oh!" cried he. The feel of his buttocks nearly surpassed the sight of it. Such perfection should be unattainable by mere mortals. His was the ass of a god! Draco's emotions ran higher the longer he beheld that magnificant ass. "I'm not worthy!" he cried.  
  
A random professor commented to another, "Young Malfoy has serious issues."  
  
"Aye." The second professor nodded and sagely remarked, "When your ass outshines you, there's not much left."  
  
Filled with elation, Draco ran naked down the corridor, screaming, "Behold my illustrious ass!"  
  
Into the Great Hall ran Draco, where he leapt atop Slytherin table.  
  
"Wow! A naked Malfoy!" exclaimed Colin Creevey, and snapped several photos.  
  
"Look at my lovely ass! It must be worshipped for its ethereal beauty. Bow down and sing praises to my sacred crack!" commanded Draco  
  
Chewing a piece of cornbread, Harry turned to Hermione and asked, "Did Malfoy just say what I think he said?"  
  
"Yes," confirmed clever Hermione. "Malfoy specifically said the word 'crack'."  
  
"And that we should worship it as well?"  
  
"Yes, Harry. And also sing praises to it."  
  
"Just checking."  
  
Draco's voice rose another octave in his fanaticism.  
  
"None of us are worthy! Crabbe, Goyle-go and find the largest gilded frame money can buy. We shall frame my ass and hang it behind the Head Table for all to admire."   
  
Professor Snape looked at McGonagall and inquired, "Does he mean a picture of his ass or the real thing, Minerva?"  
  
"He specifically said 'my ass', Severus. Not a reproduction of it." answered McGonagall sternly.  
  
Snape proceeded to get one of his infamous "I am an annoyed Snape" expressions and said, "Well, what is he going to do? Chop his ass off and frame it? I cannot believe I just said that!" Snape abruptly glanced over at Harry and Ron. "This is all your fault! Twenty points from Gryffindor!"  
  
"We didn't do anything!" insisted Harry.  
  
"Yeah!" piped up Ron. "Blame Malfoy's sick fetish with his bum."  
  
Professor Dumbledore calmly arose and cleared his throat.  
  
"Mr. Malfoy, splendid as your ass-"  
  
"Dumbledore said 'ass'!" squeaked a scandalized Hermione, dropping her chocolate milk.  
  
"He's said worse," grumbled Snape sourly as he stuck his hand into a box of Loopy Wizards breakfast cereal for the prize.  
  
"-undoubtedly is, I am afraid I must argue against your demand. Only the most regal of asses are displayed in the Great Hall for all to admire," continued the Headmaster. "There is one among us who posesses this rarity."  
  
"Potter, if your ass is involved in any way, you shall receive detention for the rest of the year." warned Snape, now up to his elbow in Loopy Wizards breakfast cereal.  
  
"What if it's Longbottom's bottom?" squealed Lavender Brown. Everyone eyed her with annoyance. "Sorry." apologized a now subdued Lavender.  
  
Draco was outraged.  
  
"Who is it? Who can possibly surpass the utter perfection of my buttocks," he demanded, scanning the sea of faces. "Where is this person?"  
  
Ron opened a fudge flask and said to Harry, "Ten Galleons says it's Filch."  
  
"That's atrocious!" exclaimed Hermione.  
  
"Here!" yelled Dumbledore, whipping up his robes and turning so that all received a clear view.  
  
Snape screamed and dropped the box of Loopy Wizards cereal. Madam Hooch quietly pocketed the prize when no one was looking. Draco fainted. The others sat in wide-eyed silence.   
  
"Wow! His ass is like...ageless, or something," declared Dean Thomas at long last.  
  
"I buff it every morning." Dumbledore told them.  
  
"With what?" demanded Draco, who'd regained consciousness.  
  
"Why, with sandpaper, of course."  
  
McGonagall turned to Snape and said, "If sandpaper can do that for the Headmaster's ass, just think what it can do for your face."  
  
Snape was too busy searching the floor for the cereal box prize to give McGonagall's comment the complete contempt it deserved. He settled for pretending to glimpse up her dress and saying, with a look of disgust, "Ugh. I won't be eating broccholi for a long time."  
  
"That was crude, Severus Snape!"  
  
"That is the Slytherin way, Minerva."  
  
Well, natually, it was quite an odd scene to walk in on, which is exactly what Professor Lupin did; newly recovered from another monthly werewolf transformation.  
  
"Whew! I sure am famished. Severus, what are you putting in that Wolfsbane potion? Lighter fluid? I-"  
  
Remus' brown eyes took in the sight of the Headmaster, his robes high above his waist, bare ass exposed, arguing good-naturedly with Draco Malfoy about sandpaper, of all things. Lupin's eyes slowly focused on the form of Severus Snape crouched halfway beneath the Head Table, digging through spilled Loopy Wizards cereal and saying something about broccholi while Minerva called him crude. Worst of all, the children were just sitting there watching all of this as if it were a reinactment of some random goblin war in Professor Binns' class. On second thought, the scenario reminded Remus of his own school days with Sirius and James.  
  
Anyhow, Draco's anger eventually subsided. The beauty of the Headmaster's ass had spoken to Draco. Draco realized he must try harder to attain an ass of perfection. He purchased 5,000 Galleons-worth of sandpaper and began his strenuous journey.  
  
Professor Snape, unfortunately, never found the prize in the box of Loopy Wizards breakfast cereal, and to this day he refuses to eat broccholi.  
  
So you see, children, there is a moral to this story. What that moral is, I am not entirely sure of.  
  
~FIN~ 


End file.
